Trying to Defeat the Crazy

I hesitate to share any of this..... What will people think? Are you going to judge me? Use this against me? But I need to get it out there. How I feel. What I'm worried about. My "issues".

Mental issues run in my family. There is a history of depression, ADD, ADHD, bi-polar disorder, and anxiety disorders. The majority of these in just myself. And I appear to have passed some on to my sons.

Andrew has ADD. We put him on a non-stimulant medication for a while in first grade but his teacher didn't think it was doing what it should have for him. As we were going into the summer I decided not to leave him on it. If we needed to I would put him back on it at the beginning of the school year. Second grade went without a hitch until late March. At that point I decided we weren't putting him on meds for the last 2 months of school - that was ridiculous. Third grade has been going well. We have struggled some in math but I attribute that more to comprehension then the ADD. It just takes us extra time to review the math "principles" but he gets it in the end.

Nathan has not been so easy to "control". We are now taking him to a neurological psychiatrist to get his little brain scanned. It will tell us what is actually the case. I'm nervous. The power of the internet is not good for parents. I have googled so much, including Autism. What if that's where he's at? What will that mean for his life? What will that mean for my life? By no means do I think he is extreme but maybe on the spectrum. Or it could be ADD; or bi-polar disorder; or possibly something that has not even entered my thoughts.

I have resisted the medication for him because I myself have been on and off medication starting at age 5. I don't like it. I hate that it changes who I am. I don't want it to change Nathan. Medication will change his mood swings and the anger issues, which is good. But is it going to change his loving side too? Will it make him stop crawling up in my lap just to cuddle? Will it make him stop playing his DS to give me a hug and say I love you? I have tried to help him with his diet and added structure here at home. It just is not enough. I have been defeated. Following his appointment in 2 weeks he will end upon medication.

It makes me sad that Nathan will forever be changed.

And if Nathan is going to be shoved on medication then it is only fair that I get back on mine. Even if it changes me.